Guilt
by carla-connor-corrie
Summary: regrets and mistakes they're memories made Carla felt all the feelings she didn't want to feel but how do you keep your self-control when things get this bad?
1. Chapter 1

_Contains sensitive topics  
_

* * *

Numb. Numbness over ruled me. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

His hands against my warm skin didn't give me goose bumps that Nick's did. His lips pressed to my skin didn't give me the tingles that Nick's did. 

His lips were rough, hard, and sour. Nick's lips were smooth, soft, and sweet. 

Lust and love, two very different things. I felt lust towards Robert, in fact I don't even think it was that. It was nothing. It was sex. Just sex. We were drunk, hurting and we didn't know what we were doing. Well, I did know what I was doing but in the moment it didn't matter, nothing else mattered. But after everything mattered, I felt dirty and used and vile. He made me feel everything that Nick never made me feel. He was a distraction from Johnny, from Rob and even from Nick. I felt nothing towards him, I barley even knew him but it happened. It happened and I'd never regretted anything more. 

Love. Love is the thing I felt for Nick. Everything I'd ever wanted, all the happiness I'd ever wanted I had in Nick; he meant the world. With Nick it was never just sex, it was emotional, passionate, warming and romantic. He made me feel special, safe and wanted. I should've used Nick as my distraction but I didn't. I went against him and now I couldn't fix it. 

When I got home that afternoon it didn't matter how hot the water on my skin was or how hard it pelted from the shower to my skin. The harshness of the sponge made my skin red but I didn't care; I didn't care because it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Actually, one thing mattered. The only thing I could think about as my skin become redder and beads of red rolled down my arm was that I had to get rid. I had to get rid of him; his scent, his touch, his breath on my neck, his hold on my waist. Every bit of him had to be washed away. But no matter how hard I scrubbed, no matter how hard the water hit me and no matter how hot the water was he wouldn't go. I couldn't get rid of how he'd made me feel. 

The regret was the worst part. Waking up every day and immediately thinking about it. Thinking about how wrong it was, how it made me feel. Then I'd look over at Nick and he'd be sleeping peacefully, so naive to what I'd done. So naïve to my dishonesty. 

I was going to tell Nick straight away, I should've told him straight away, maybe if I had this wouldn't be happening. Maybe Nick would still be here, he'd be beside me as I sleep and he'd be making my eggs when I woke up. Maybe if I'd had told Nick straight away then we'd have a chance. Me and Nick could've had a chance of surviving. But I left it too late, I'd told him too late and now we couldn't be saved. 

I'd lost everything because I'd made a mistake. A mistake that's all it was. A stupid mistake that meant nothing, it would never mean anything. Although it meant nothing, it had ruined everything. 

Because I felt dirty and I felt vile and I felt every feeling I never wanted to feel because of him. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't hear Nick talk about him, and I just couldn't cope with it. Because every time his name was mentioned I remembered, I remembered that afternoon and everything about it. 

I could remember every tiny detail, the room number, the covers on the bed, the coldness of the room, his hands on me, my hands on him, our lips, our bodies, everything. I could remember it all and I didn't want to. I wanted to forget. But I couldn't, I couldn't forget a single detail. 

Each night I'd consume more wine than considered healthy to try and forget, I'd go out with Nick, I'd go out with Michelle, I'd stay in with Nick. Nothing would work. I couldn't enjoy my favourite TV series because I'd only think of the TV on the wall in the hotel room. I couldn't boil the kettle because I'd only think of the white kettle in the corner of the hotel room. I'd had to buy new bed sheets because the ones I had were too similar to the ones in that hotel room. I couldn't drink champagne. I couldn't do anything. 

Nick knew, Nick knew of my dishonesty. I'd told him after months of dealing with my guilt, my regret. His look of hurt and his body becoming weak as the words came out my mouth; the images were etched in my brain. He wouldn't sit down so I just told him, I told him everything. He didn't say a word, not a word but his eyes brimmed with tears and his breath was caught in his throat. Then he'd left. He walked out. 

When he'd returned the next day I apologised, I'd apologised from the moment he entered the flat till the moment he left. He barley said a word, in fact he said eleven, "We both love each other but we just can't be together." 

His words broke me. Every eleven of them because I knew I'd lost the best thing because I'd been dishonest. I'd made myself feel dirty and down and disgusting and worthless and vile. I battled the feeling every day, every day since it had happened. I'd cuddle up to Nick at night and tell him I love him which was the truth. It would always be the truth. Then I'd close my eyes and try and sleep. Sometimes it worked, sometimes if I pressed my body against Nick enough and felt his warmth I'd fall asleep. Other nights it wouldn't be that simple because every time I'd close my eyes he'd be there. 

When Nick found out he'd left, of course he left. Who wouldn't? But as soon as Nick left my feelings could no longer be battled. There was no point in battling them. So I gave up. I gave up on myself and there was nothing anyone could do. 

The drink stung as I allowed it to flow through my veins, I drank and drank till I couldn't remember what I'd done or who I was. And one night I drank and drank every drop of alcohol in my flat and I took the pills, the pills the doctor had been so hesitant to prescribe me, I took them and one by one they passed through my throat. They mixed together, the drugs and the alcohol and I didn't care. 

I didn't care because I didn't want to be me, I didn't want to feel anything. I never wanted to feel anything ever again. 


	2. Chapter 2

Something was guarding my hand, I could feel the warmth, the safety, I could feel someone's thumb running up and down mine. It took all my strength to move my hand, to move my hand so whoever it was knew I was okay. Despite everything I was okay.

Well I wasn't okay, I was far from okay. But someone was with me, someone was sat my by beside side, someone still cared. Despite the fact I'd given up on everything, I'd given up on myself there was still someone that hadn't given up on me.

 _I'll always be there for you._

My body felt heavy, my eye lids were heavy, my hand was heavy, I was heavy. But as they entwined our fingers I felt light, I felt safe. I wanted to open my eyes, I wanted to see who, despite everything, still cared enough to sit with me. Who would still care enough to sit with me after I'd attempted to throw everything away?

 _No matter what you're going through._

I couldn't decide if the guilt was greater now or before. I couldn't decide if the shame was worse now or before?

One by one people had found out about my dishonesty, about the act of betrayal I'd committed. One by one they'd given my dirty looks on the street, one by one they'd began ignoring me, one by one they'd offered Nick their sympathy. Because they knew as well as I knew that Nick was the best thing that had happened to me, Nick could have been everything I needed and I threw it away for what? For nothing. For one drunken afternoon I'd remorsefully regretted ever since. I'd thrown it all away for one stupid, lousy, meaningless afternoon.

My eyes wouldn't open, I couldn't do it because my strength was gone. Both my physical and mental strength had gone. Carla Connor, the one who battled through everything, the one who kept going through everything. Everyone thought I had a cold heart, everyone thought I didn't care but I cared, I cared way more than anyone would ever realise.

I pushed people away, I would always push. I didn't like to confine in people. Instead I drank and I drank and I gambled and I shouted and I pushed. But I wish I hadn't of pushed Nick, if I hadn't of pushed this wouldn't happen. We would still be happy and I wouldn't be laying here.

 _I love you so much._

I used my strength to squeeze the hand laced with mine, I squeezed as tight as I could to let them now I was here, I wanted to wake up, I wanted to be.

"Carla? Carla squeeze my hand again," It was Nick, it was Nick. Of course it was Nick, it would always be Nick.

 _No matter what you go through in the future._

White. Bright white light filled my vision as I managed to slowly open my eyes. They scrunched shut straight away and I could hear Nick sigh. His sigh was full of sadness, he sounded tired. How long had he been with me?

The night I'd told him - that was the first time I'd seen a tear roll down his cheek and as I stepped forward to comfort him he'd stepped away. He'd stepped away just like I had a few months previous. His arms folded across him like a guard, just like mine had done. He looked hurt, angry, confused. But he didn't say a word, he stood so still as I told him everything, what had happened, why, how I felt – I told him every single detail. And he stood there as I spoke and then he left.

 _I feel like the luckiest man in the world._

"Carla, sweetheart open your eyes again," his voice was pleading with me and I was trying, I was really trying. I needed to see him, I needed him to tell me why he was here. My eyes were heavy, they felt so, so heavy. I needed to open them, I had to open them.

* * *

"Carla," Nick whispered, I looked around the room, it was white, it was blue, there was beeping from the machine beside me. A steady beeping, steady. I wasn't steady. I looked to Nick, he looked tired, exhausted in fact. His shirt was lose and creased at the bottom, his jacket was hung carelessly over the char he was sat in.

"Why?" That was all I could manage, my throat was dry and sore. He gave me a weak smile, why was he smiling at me? He passed me some water which I drank sips of threw a straw, why was he being so nice to me?

 _No matter what._

"Why are you here?" I asked again, he looked at me. His eyes were still filled with the same love, the same care.

"Because I still love you," He admitted but he couldn't how could he love me when I'd been so dishonest? How could he still love me when I'd ruined everything?

I shook my head and he laughed, his small, little laugh that used to send butterflies flying around my stomach. "Nick you can't still love me," I told him because it was the truth.

"But I do, I still love you," Nick said, he laced our fingers together again and I didn't have the strength or want to stop him. "I'm angry, I'm confused, I don't really understand but I still love you."

"Nick," I sighed, he was being so nice, it was as if nothing had happened. As if my dishonesty, Johnny, the pills had never happened. But they all happened and I couldn't get away from that.

"Why Carla?" He asked softly, he was asking the question I'd wished no one would.

"I didn't want to live with what I'd done, I couldn't do it anymore," I told him truthfully. No more lies.

 _The future._

"You made a mistake, everyone makes them," He told me, he was telling me all these things but I couldn't cope. I couldn't cope with him being so nice.

"Nick everyone makes mistake like leaving the toilet seat up," I said an eyebrow raised. Nick chuckled, a genuine smile formed on his face. I'd made him happy from referring about my pet hate of his. "I made a mistake that couldn't be fixed in a minute, it can never be fixed."

He looked disappointed by my words, he looked hurt, "It could be okay," He told me, "All of this could be okay if you'd give us a chance."

"Us?" I was confused, there was no us, I'd ruined us.

"Carla I love you."

"And I love you but as you said, the only thing you said was that we just couldn't be together," Pity. Nick was giving me pity, he wanted me to be better but he couldn't fix me. I was beginning to doubt if I was fixable.

 _Always._

"I was confused, angry, upset. Carla I didn't know what to think. But then this happened-"

"It wasn't a cry for help. I did it because I don't want to live with who I've become," I snapped, I spoke the loudest I had since I'd awakened. I snapped because I didn't want his pity, I didn't want him feeling bad when I'd done the damage. He'd done nothing wrong. He'd done everything he should've done but I couldn't cope. I couldn't cope with having someone who cared about me as much as Nick did.

"This made me realise that I don't want to live without you," Nick sighed squeezing my hand gently. "I've been sat here since you were admitted and I couldn't leave your side. I needed to know that you were okay because Carla you're everything and I can't lose you. You made a mistake, a big mistake but we can get through it together."

"Nick I had sex with someone else," I said as a whisper because even now I hated to admit it. Even now it made me feel sick when I spoke of it.

"Yeah you did but with time it can be okay, we can be okay," Nick told me, both of us now had tears built up in our eyes.

"Can it?"

"I promise."


End file.
